Warning-My Coconuts Will Bruise You

I think I’m up to my 8th fill. I was supposed to have my 9th this past Friday but The Boob Whisperer had to cancel. The receptionist (who is one of those really sweet girls with a sing-songy voice that always makes me want to sing-song too) offered to reschedule. I explained that that’s not really possible because he’ll only do one fill per week and I’m booked through the next few Fridays. Anyhow, they are feeling very sore and very hard. I was hugging this girl I hadn’t seen in a while and she was like “ow” because my rock-boobs can be bruisy if you’re not careful. So if I give you a weird straight-armed air hug like you have BO or something that’s why.  They look and feel pretty much like this:

This is actually realistic too because one side really is higher and bigger.  I was actually wondering why they were so hard, and then it occurred to me, duh, they need to STRETCH the skin. Sleeping positions can be tricky. The expanders stick out on the sides a bit, so just rolling over can feel stabby. It’s manageable though, and my chest has been sore for 14 months now so I’m used to it, if that makes sense.

Insurance Cogs Are Bringing Out My Inner Howler Monkey

I have a rule when dealing with customer service people when I’m dissatisfied with products or services, and that is to be assertive but polite because my first few jobs were in retail so I can relate to the frustrations inherent with customer service jobs. For the first time (okay maybe not the first time), I am pretty sure I broke that rule. I received an EOB from my health insurer stating they would not pay for the leg compressors my anesthesiologist put on me immediately following my breast reconstruction surgery, at a cost of about $400. Anyone who’s had any kind of surgery knows that most doctors put them on you afterward to aid circulation and help prevent blood clots. So when I saw this EOB, my first thought was “fucking seriously?”

So I called the insurance company and said WTF? The cog lady said that the leg compressors were durable medical equipment that were not covered.

Me: Hey, under federal and state law you are required to cover all aspects of my reconstruction. This is smelling a lot like bad faith to me.

Her: Your reconstructive surgery was covered.

Me: Except for the part where I was unconscious and put in leg compressors like any other human who has had surgery so they don’t get a blood clot and die.

Her: Well you can appeal it.

Me: This equipment was obviously medically necessary!

Her: That doesn’t matter, it’s not covered in your plan.

Me: This is why people HATE insurance companies! You would rather I get a blood clot and die, then you don’t have to pay for the remaining reconstructive procedures.

Her: . . . . .

Me: furiously stabs at the “end call” button, because it’s my cell. That’s the bad thing about cell phones. They’re great for hunting Pokemons (Pokemen?) but I can’t get the satisfaction of slamming the phone down.

Well I haven’t yet received a bill for this and the billing lady at The Boob Whisperer’s office said the anesthesiologist would most likely write it off. I don’t know why I called them even before I got a bill, but I thought to myself, the doctor shouldn’t have to eat that cost either. The insurance company should pay for it. It’s the principle of the thing. I felt bad, albeit briefly, for shrieking like a howler monkey at the poor insurance company cog, but I have had so many problems and screw ups with my insurance, I just snapped.  And she was super cold and unsympathetic too.  I know the call was recorded and while I hope someone over there takes notice of how shitty it is to not cover this, I am not holding my breath. In fact they are probably replaying the call around the office laughing about the crazed breast cancer banshee. So probably my fit of pique garnered me nothing except high blood pressure. And if they weren’t out to screw me before they might be now.

On a more positive note, I’ve had my 7th expansion fill and I think I’m getting used to the discomfort. I was wondering why bras were still too big and apparently because the tissue expanders feel harder and are positioned higher than breasts or implants, they don’t properly sit in the bra cups. And really this is just fine as I am in no hurry to put on a bra.

Who knew, fupa nipples were a thing?

I mentioned to The Boob Whisperer about watching Botched which is a show on E! about people who have had plastic surgery gone wrong and the then the Botched TV doctors save the day.  And mostly he rolled his eyes kind of like in horror, but I love that show even though some of the people are total train wrecks. On a recent episode, a woman had a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy because she tested positive for the BRCA 1 gene mutation, which if you don’t know, means she has like an 80% chance of getting breast cancer and a 50-60% chance of getting ovarian cancer. A lot of women who test positive for a BRCA mutation choose to have a prophylactic mastectomy, (for example Christina Applegate and Angelina Jolie). Thankfully I tested negative for both BRCA 1 and 2 because testing positive would have dangerous implications for my daughter. But I digress. This woman on Botched had breast reconstruction and “nipple banking” done where her nipples were stitched to her lower abdomen or “fupa” area, to be later restitched to her boobs after the final implant exchange. I’m thinking now I’ve REALLY seen it all. The Boob Whisperer said that it’s actually a thing. Aside from her fupa nipples, her original plastic surgeon had jacked up her reconstruction boobs bad. Luckily the TV show Doctor fixed the boobs, 86’d the fupa nipples, gave her 3D nipple tattoos and her boobs lived happily ever after.

Recently I came across this photo on Facebook posted by Rodney Frelix and it really hit home with me.  Sure enough there were some dickhead comments but most were positive and supportive. When I saw it I felt such a rush of overwhelming love and pride for these women because they are me.

A Boob and a Floob

Earlier this week The Boob Whisperer gave me my sixth fill. I asked how many more and he said “we’ve got a way to go.” I’m thinking that doesn’t answer my question at all, but I decide to leave it be. That’s what I get for not framing my question properly. I should have asked him what month he thinks I’ll be done. He was right about the fills becoming more painful, especially first thing in the morning when I first start moving around and it feels like someone is bouncing bowling balls off my chest. During the day it’s pretty manageable because I’m busier and distracted from the pain.

On the upside, they are taking shape. Even the hideous right side manboob is starting to fill out but the expander on that side also sits higher than the flap/expander side so they’re uneven.  Note the side floob (floppy boob).  The Boob Whisperer keeps telling me to trust him.

My 13 year old is slowly sprouting some cute little boobs of her own now so we’re like growing boobs together. And that doesn’t sound weird at all.